41) A Bro never cries. Exceptions- Watching Field of Dreams, ET or a sports legend retire (only first time he retires).
42) Upon greeting another Bro, a Bro may engage in a high five, fist bump, or a Bro hug, but never a full embrace.
43) A Bro loves his country, unless that country isn't America.
44) A Bro never applies sunscreen to another Bro. Exceptions – If the Bros are within 7 degrees latitude of the equator.
45) A Bro never wears jeans to a strip club. Reasons – a) Cloth pockets are roomier and elastic allowing for a thicker wad of cash. b) Denim clashes with the club’s leopard, zebra or other safari animal motif. c) One word, two syllables, three hours in the ER – Zipper. d) It’s a performance and deserves respect. e) You don’t feel it as much on your… you know what..
46) If a Bro is seated next to some dude who's stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, he shall yield him all of their shared armrest, unless the dude has (a) taken his shoes off, (b) is snoring, (c) makes the Bro get up more than once to use the lavatory, or (d) purchased headphones after they announced the in-flight movie is 27 Dresses. See Article 35.
47) A Bro never wears pink. Not even in Europe.
48) A Bro never publicly reveals how many chicks he's banged. Corollary – A bro also never reveals how many chicks another Bro has banged.
49) When asked, "Do you need some help?" a Bro shall automatically respond, "I got it," whether or not he's actually got it. Exceptions – Carrying an expensive TV, parallel parking an expensive car and loading an expensive TV on to an expensive car.
50) If a Bro should accidentally strike another Bro's undercarriage with his arm while walking, both Bros silently agree to continue on as if it never happened.
51) A Bro checks out another Bro's blind date and reports back with a thumbs-up or thumbs-down.
52) A Bro is not required to remember another Bros birthday, though a phone call every not and again probably wouldn't kill him.
53) Even in a drought, a Bro flushes twice.
54) A Bro is required to go out with his Bros on St. Paddy's Day and other official Bro holidays, including Halloween, New Year's Eve, and Desperation Day (February 13th)
55) Even in an emergency that requires a tourniquet, a Bro never borrows from or lends clothes to another Bro.
56) A Bro is required to alert another Bro if the Bro/chick Ration at a party falls below 1:1. However, to avoid Bro-flation, a Bro is only allowed to alert one Bro. Further, a Bro may not speculate on the anticipated Bro/Chick Ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio.
57) A Bro never reveals the score of a sporting event to another Bro unless that Bro has thrice confirmed he wants to hear it.
58) A Bro doesn't grow a moustache. Exception – While shaving it’s more than ok for a Bro to keep the whiskers around his mouth till the end so that he might temporarily experiment with different facial hair configurations.
59) A Bro must always post bail for another Bro, unless it's out of state or, like, crazy expensive (Crazy expensive bail >(years you've been bros) x $100)
60) A Bro shall honor they father and mother, for they were once Bro and chick. However, a Bro never thinks of them in that capacity.
61) If a Bro for whatever reason becomes aware of another Bro's anniversary with a chick, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless of whether he thinks his Bro already knows.
62) In the event that two Bros lock on to the same target, the Bro who calls dibs first has dibs. If both call dibs at the same time, the Bro who counts aloud to ten the fastest has dibs. If both arrive at the number ten at the same time, the Bro who bought the last round of drinks has dibs. If they haven't purchased drinks yet, the taller of the two Bros has dibs. If they're the same height, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of discreet Broshambo* shall determine dibs, provided the chick is still there. *Rock, paper, scissors for Bros.
63) A Bro will make any and all efforts to provide his Bro with protection. Bro-tection forms a central pillar or, more accurately, a plastic coating for the central pillar of the Bro way of life.
While not legally or physically responsible for any repercussions of failing to provide protection, it’s not uncommon for a Bro to experience pangs of guilt after a fellow Bro becomes infected with a disease. Some of which, such as children, can last an entire lifetime.
64) A Bro must provide his Bro with a ticket to an event if said event involves the second Bro's favorite sports team in a playoff scenario.
65) A Bro must always reciprocate a round of drinks among Bros. Exception - A Bro is off the hook if a Bro orders a drink with an umbrella in it.
66) If a Bro suffers pain due to the permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady friend, a Bro shall offer nothing more than a 'that sucks, man' and copious quantities of beer. A Bro will also refrain from pejorative commentary - deserved or not - regarding said lady friend for a period of three months, when the requisite BACKSLIDE WINDOW has closed.
67) Should a Bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing, another Bro shall point out that he is a tool.
68) If a Bro be on hot streak, another Bro will do everything possible to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own records, the missing of work, or, if necessary, generating a realistic fear that the end of the world is imminent. Exception - Dry spell trumps hot streak.
69) Duh.
70) A Bro will drive another Bro to the airport or pick him up, but never both for the same trip. He is not expected to be on time, help with luggage, or inquire about his Bro's trip or general well-being.
71) As a courtesy to Bros the world over, a Bro never brings more than two other Bros to a party. Three Bros are cool - Three amigos, Three musketeers, The police, Apollo 13 Astronauts and the Three stooges. Four Bros are lame – Mount Rushmore, The Fantastic Four, The Monkeys and Michael Jordan’s team mates.
72) A Bro never spell-checks.
73) When a group of Bros are in a restaurant, each shall engage in the time-honored ritual of jockeying to pay the bill, regardless of affordability. When the group ultimately decides to divide the check, each Bro shall act upset rather that enormously relieved.
74) At a red light, a Bro inches as close as possible to the rear bumper of the car in front of him, and then immediately honks his horn when the light turns green. That way if another Bro is several cars behind, he'll have a better chance of making it through the intersection before the light turns red again.
75) A Bro automatically enhances another Bro's job description when introducing him to a chick. Chicks like to stretch the truth about their age, promiscuity and sometimes, with the help of extensive make-up and structural lingerie, even their body shape. As such, it is a fair game for Bros to exaggerate reality when asked about their Bro-fession.
76) If a Bro is on the phone with a chick while in front of his Bros and, for whatever reason, desires to say "I love you" he shall first excuse himself from the room or employ a subsonic barry white-esque tone.
77) Bros don't cuddle.
78) A Bro shall never rack jack his wingman. Rack jack is to steal your wingman’s chick. To commemorate and solidify the unbreakable bond between the Bro and his wingman, it is recommended that before going out, each face the other, place his left hand on the Bro code, raise his right hand, and recite the wingman pledge.
79) At a wedding, Bros shall reluctantly trudge out for the garter toss and feign interest for the benefit of the chicks present. Whichever Bro gets stuck with the garter shall light-heartedly pretend he's not mortified at the thought of being the next one to drop before scurrying to the bar for a very stiff drink and/or shots.
80) A bro shall make every effort to aid another Bro in riding the tricycle (engaging in a threesome), short of completing the tricycle himself. The total age of all the three should be less than 83.
To be continued…..
42) Upon greeting another Bro, a Bro may engage in a high five, fist bump, or a Bro hug, but never a full embrace.
43) A Bro loves his country, unless that country isn't America.
44) A Bro never applies sunscreen to another Bro. Exceptions – If the Bros are within 7 degrees latitude of the equator.
45) A Bro never wears jeans to a strip club. Reasons – a) Cloth pockets are roomier and elastic allowing for a thicker wad of cash. b) Denim clashes with the club’s leopard, zebra or other safari animal motif. c) One word, two syllables, three hours in the ER – Zipper. d) It’s a performance and deserves respect. e) You don’t feel it as much on your… you know what..
46) If a Bro is seated next to some dude who's stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, he shall yield him all of their shared armrest, unless the dude has (a) taken his shoes off, (b) is snoring, (c) makes the Bro get up more than once to use the lavatory, or (d) purchased headphones after they announced the in-flight movie is 27 Dresses. See Article 35.
47) A Bro never wears pink. Not even in Europe.
48) A Bro never publicly reveals how many chicks he's banged. Corollary – A bro also never reveals how many chicks another Bro has banged.
49) When asked, "Do you need some help?" a Bro shall automatically respond, "I got it," whether or not he's actually got it. Exceptions – Carrying an expensive TV, parallel parking an expensive car and loading an expensive TV on to an expensive car.
50) If a Bro should accidentally strike another Bro's undercarriage with his arm while walking, both Bros silently agree to continue on as if it never happened.
51) A Bro checks out another Bro's blind date and reports back with a thumbs-up or thumbs-down.
52) A Bro is not required to remember another Bros birthday, though a phone call every not and again probably wouldn't kill him.
53) Even in a drought, a Bro flushes twice.
54) A Bro is required to go out with his Bros on St. Paddy's Day and other official Bro holidays, including Halloween, New Year's Eve, and Desperation Day (February 13th)
55) Even in an emergency that requires a tourniquet, a Bro never borrows from or lends clothes to another Bro.
56) A Bro is required to alert another Bro if the Bro/chick Ration at a party falls below 1:1. However, to avoid Bro-flation, a Bro is only allowed to alert one Bro. Further, a Bro may not speculate on the anticipated Bro/Chick Ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio.
57) A Bro never reveals the score of a sporting event to another Bro unless that Bro has thrice confirmed he wants to hear it.
58) A Bro doesn't grow a moustache. Exception – While shaving it’s more than ok for a Bro to keep the whiskers around his mouth till the end so that he might temporarily experiment with different facial hair configurations.
59) A Bro must always post bail for another Bro, unless it's out of state or, like, crazy expensive (Crazy expensive bail >(years you've been bros) x $100)
60) A Bro shall honor they father and mother, for they were once Bro and chick. However, a Bro never thinks of them in that capacity.
61) If a Bro for whatever reason becomes aware of another Bro's anniversary with a chick, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless of whether he thinks his Bro already knows.
62) In the event that two Bros lock on to the same target, the Bro who calls dibs first has dibs. If both call dibs at the same time, the Bro who counts aloud to ten the fastest has dibs. If both arrive at the number ten at the same time, the Bro who bought the last round of drinks has dibs. If they haven't purchased drinks yet, the taller of the two Bros has dibs. If they're the same height, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of discreet Broshambo* shall determine dibs, provided the chick is still there. *Rock, paper, scissors for Bros.
63) A Bro will make any and all efforts to provide his Bro with protection. Bro-tection forms a central pillar or, more accurately, a plastic coating for the central pillar of the Bro way of life.
While not legally or physically responsible for any repercussions of failing to provide protection, it’s not uncommon for a Bro to experience pangs of guilt after a fellow Bro becomes infected with a disease. Some of which, such as children, can last an entire lifetime.
64) A Bro must provide his Bro with a ticket to an event if said event involves the second Bro's favorite sports team in a playoff scenario.
65) A Bro must always reciprocate a round of drinks among Bros. Exception - A Bro is off the hook if a Bro orders a drink with an umbrella in it.
66) If a Bro suffers pain due to the permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady friend, a Bro shall offer nothing more than a 'that sucks, man' and copious quantities of beer. A Bro will also refrain from pejorative commentary - deserved or not - regarding said lady friend for a period of three months, when the requisite BACKSLIDE WINDOW has closed.
67) Should a Bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing, another Bro shall point out that he is a tool.
68) If a Bro be on hot streak, another Bro will do everything possible to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own records, the missing of work, or, if necessary, generating a realistic fear that the end of the world is imminent. Exception - Dry spell trumps hot streak.
69) Duh.
70) A Bro will drive another Bro to the airport or pick him up, but never both for the same trip. He is not expected to be on time, help with luggage, or inquire about his Bro's trip or general well-being.
71) As a courtesy to Bros the world over, a Bro never brings more than two other Bros to a party. Three Bros are cool - Three amigos, Three musketeers, The police, Apollo 13 Astronauts and the Three stooges. Four Bros are lame – Mount Rushmore, The Fantastic Four, The Monkeys and Michael Jordan’s team mates.
72) A Bro never spell-checks.
73) When a group of Bros are in a restaurant, each shall engage in the time-honored ritual of jockeying to pay the bill, regardless of affordability. When the group ultimately decides to divide the check, each Bro shall act upset rather that enormously relieved.
74) At a red light, a Bro inches as close as possible to the rear bumper of the car in front of him, and then immediately honks his horn when the light turns green. That way if another Bro is several cars behind, he'll have a better chance of making it through the intersection before the light turns red again.
75) A Bro automatically enhances another Bro's job description when introducing him to a chick. Chicks like to stretch the truth about their age, promiscuity and sometimes, with the help of extensive make-up and structural lingerie, even their body shape. As such, it is a fair game for Bros to exaggerate reality when asked about their Bro-fession.
76) If a Bro is on the phone with a chick while in front of his Bros and, for whatever reason, desires to say "I love you" he shall first excuse himself from the room or employ a subsonic barry white-esque tone.
77) Bros don't cuddle.
78) A Bro shall never rack jack his wingman. Rack jack is to steal your wingman’s chick. To commemorate and solidify the unbreakable bond between the Bro and his wingman, it is recommended that before going out, each face the other, place his left hand on the Bro code, raise his right hand, and recite the wingman pledge.
79) At a wedding, Bros shall reluctantly trudge out for the garter toss and feign interest for the benefit of the chicks present. Whichever Bro gets stuck with the garter shall light-heartedly pretend he's not mortified at the thought of being the next one to drop before scurrying to the bar for a very stiff drink and/or shots.
80) A bro shall make every effort to aid another Bro in riding the tricycle (engaging in a threesome), short of completing the tricycle himself. The total age of all the three should be less than 83.
To be continued…..
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