Thursday, July 28, 2011
The Official Bro Code – Part 4 (Articles 120-150)
121) Even if he's never skied before, a Bro doesn't trifle with the bunny slope. Corollary – If a Bro experiences a catastrophic wipeout, he can always blame his bindings or the conditions.
122) A Bro is always psyched. Always.
123) Two Bros shall maintain at least a three-foot radius between them while dancing on the same floor, even when reenacting the knife fight from "Beat It" which, I guess, two Bros shouldn't do anyway, or at least not very often.
124) If a Bro should shoot an air ball, strike out while playing softball, or throw a gutter ball while Browling, he is required to make some sort of excuse for himself.
125) If a Bro is driving ahead of another Bro in a Bro Train, he is required to attempt to lose him in traffic as a funny joke.
126) In a scenario where two or more Bros are watching entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity. This may include but is not limited to: the high five, the fist bump or the congratulatory gluteal pat. Winking is also kind of a no-no.
127) A Bro will always help another Bro reconstruct the events from the previous night, unless those events entail hooking up with an ugly chick or the Bro repeatedly saying "I love you, man" to all his Bros.
128) A Bro never wears two articles of clothing at the same time that bear the same school name, vacation destination or sports team. Even in a laundry emergency, its preferred that a Bro go out half naked rather than violate this code...half naked from the waist up, naturally.
129) If a Bro lends another Bro a DVD, video game, or piece of lawn machinery, he shall not expect to ever get it back, unless his Bro happens to die and bequeath it back to him.
130) If a Bro learns another Bro has been in a traffic accident, he must first ask what type of car he collided with and whether it got totaled before asking if his Bro is okay.
131) While a Bro is not expected to know exactly how to change a tire, he is required to at least drag out the jack and stare at the flat for a while. If he needs to consult the car's ownership manual to locate the jack, he shall do so from inside the car, where he is not visible to passersby and where he can discreetly call a tow truck, after which it is recommended that he hide the jack by the side of the road so he'll have a legitimate excuse when the tow truck arrives.
132) If a Bro decides to let all of his Bros down and get married, he is required to invite them to the wedding, even if this directly violates the wishes of his fiancée and results in a "no sex" penalty or whatever lame domestic punishment couples might employ.
133) A Bro only claims a fart after first accusing at least one other Bro. Exception – Pull my finger.
134) A Bro is entitled to use a woman as his wingman.
135) If a scenario arises in which a Bro has promised two of his Bros permanent shotgun, one of the following shall determine the copilot: (a) foot race to the car, (b) silent auction or in the case of a road trip exceeding 450 miles, (c) a no-holds-barred cage match to the death.
136) When interrogated by a girlfriend about a bachelor party, a Bro shall offer nothing more than a disinterested "It was okay". A Bro can never bring a camera back from a bachelor party. The only memento a Bro is allowed to bring back is something that can be destroyed by penicillin.
137) When hosting, a Bro orders enough pizza for all his Bros.
138) A real Bro doesn't laugh when a guy gets hit in the groin. Exception: Unless he doesn't know the guy.
139) Regardless of veracity, a Bro never admits familiarity with a Broadway show or musical, despite the fact that, yes, "Broadway" begins with "Bro".
140) A Bro reserves the right to simply walk away during the first five minutes of a date. (Lemon Law).
141) A Bro can only get a manicure if (a) he's trying to sleep with the hot Asian woman performing the manicure, or (b) its been longer than a month since his last manicure. Its called the Bro Code, not the slob Code.
142) A Bro shall seek no revenge if he passes out around his Bros and wakes up to find marker all over his face.
143) When executing a high five a Bro is forbidden from intertwining fingers or grasping his Bro's hand.
144) It is unacceptable for two Bros to share a hotel bed without first exhausting all couch, cot, and pillows-on-floor combinations. If it's still unavoidable, they shall prevent any incidental spoonage by arm wresting to determine who sleeps under the covers. Once decided each Bro shall don as many lower layers as possible before silently fist bumping the other good night.
145) A Bro is never offended if another Bro fails to return a phone call, text or email in a timely fashion.
146) A Bro refrains from using too much detail when relating sexual exploits to his Bros. Providing graphic detail unconsciously forces your Bros to picture you naked and there is no coming back from that.
147) If a Bro sees another Bro get into a fight, he immediately has his Bro's back. Exception: If his Bro has picked a fight with a scary looking guy. If this is the third fight (or more) his Bro has gotten into that week. If the Bro has a note from a physician excusing him from having anybody's back.
148) A Bro doesn't listen to chick music...in front of other Bros. When alone, a Bro may listen to, say, a Sarah McLachlan album or two, but only to gain valuable insights into the female psyches, not because he finds her melodies tragically haunting yet curiously uplifting at the same time.
149) A Bro pretends to understand and enjoy cigars.
150) No sex with you Bro's ex. It is never ever permissible for a Bro to sleep with his Bro’s ex. Violating this code is worse than killing a Bro.